But He's Still My Baby! Mother-Son friction during Adolescence
Oh, how things can change. Maybe it's all in my head but I am noticing a dramatic shift in parent/child friction lately. It used to be that I would work with immature guys and their big issue would be with a demanding and overbearing father. The common qoute was that their dad was all the time wanting to operate them and was in their company all the time and that these boys never could live up to their dad's expectations. I would see lots of anger come out in these boys but, in this scenario, there was also a strong fundamental sense of pride in their fathers and the urge to spin to them in a mighty way. I would have to say that this scenario was the norm for a long time. I believe I am noticing a real shift in the issues I see now amongst immature guys. Not that there are no controlling or overbearing fathers anymore. This is still a fairly common issue that I deal with in the counseling room. But, there has been a subtle but very noticeable movement in our culture. I dare say that the winds seem to be "a'changin".
But He's Still My Baby! Mother-Son friction during Adolescence
Now, at least as often as the above scenario and maybe even more so, I have noticed that there seems to be more and more friction in the middle of mothers and sons. Seriously, this has come to be a staple in my work. I cannot tell you how many times a family comes to me and the major fighting and behavioral problems are in the middle of the son and the mother; especially when the son gets to be around fifteen or sixteen years old. The boys come to me with lots of anger and frustration, as well as shame and guilt in many cases. The mothers are full of hurt, rejection, and frustration. And, oftentimes, dad is not sure what is going on, when it for real started, or how to fix it. Most of the time, the family history shows that the son was normally very close to his mother, mother was very complicated with son and his activities, and life was harmonious...until now. (Dramatic music here).
So, why the shift? Why does a loving and dutiful son suddenly come to be so angry at his loving and attentive mother?
Obviously, as with any emotional issue, there are lots of reasons that come together to spin a complicated web of trouble. For the sake of brevity, let me submit a few of the more common reasons that I see.
First, I believe we are reaping the consequences of becoming a more and more fatherless society. Too many boys are growing up in homes that are void of a dad. This can mean that the father is not there physically, due to divorce, death, or apathy but it can also mean a home where dad resides but is not emotionally complicated with the rest of the family. In dealing with the old scenario, I cannot remember a time when I have met more boys that have less taste with their fathers. Seriously, whether I have been in the classroom, on the athletic field, or in the counseling room, I have met countless young men who haven't even met there dads. It is heartbreaking to hear boys, in false bravado, joke about the fact that they were twelve before they met their dad, or that their father is in prison so they've never been together or that dad has decided to live far away and there is small contact. Young men joke or laugh about these things, not because they think it's funny, but so they don't show how much this deeply hurts them. Many immature boys have some taste with their fathers but it is not consistent or meaningful. Children of separation need to feel valued by both parents, even the one that is not the customary custodian. It bothers me deeply to see so many fathers that neglect the principal role they play in the amelioration of their sons.
Because of this cultural dynamic, mothers are in a position where they have to step up and effort to play both parental roles on a daily basis. God bless them for this! Please be sure to know that I am not scolding singular mothers or blaming them for all of these problems. I hope the above paragraph was clear in showing that I firmly believe that, in many cases, the fault lies with the fathers who are not fulfilling their God-given responsibilities. However, when a home is fatherless, it leaves a boy with a void. It is a void in a young man's crusade for what it means to be a man. eventually the boy will strive for manhood and, without a strong father to emulate, he will have to find his own way. Because he will be learning as he goes, he is prone to mistakes and awkwardness that can often consist of things his mother will not understand, and it will lead to conflict.
The home with an overly passive father is also prone to mother/son conflict. If a father is physically gift but is not a strong presence, mom will often take the lead role in the home. As the boy grows, he will want to look to his dad to figure out how to come to be a strong man. If dad is not a strong person, the boy will be confused about manhood. A son might even resent his dad if the young man sees that his father allows his mother to operate him or push him around. The boy might also resent his mother for doing so and, in his heart, the young man might vow never to let his mom treat him the way she treats his passive father. The young man will still strive for manhood (all boys do) and might see rebelling against his mother as the best way to show he is strong.
Finally, boys often reach an age where they believe they Must get out of from the shadow of their mothers. This especially happens when a son has all the time been coddled or protected by his mother. When a boy is young, this is great for him. His mother provides him with compassion when he is hurt, provision when he is sick, and shelters him from the harsh realities of his world. However, when a boy is on the edge of manhood, he wants to be risky and strong. A young man will want to prove that he is no "mama's boy" but is a budding man to be reckoned with. If the mother resists this need for independence, the son will resist in return. If the mother for real resists the need for the boy to leave her side, then the boy will for real strive to pull away. Sometimes, a young man will go to great lengths to do things he knows his mother will hate and not approve of...not because he necessarily wants to do them but plainly to show that he is his own person. At this stage boys are like soap in the palms of their mothers; the more she tries to grab him, the more he will work to slip straight through her fingers. If a mother takes this as personal rejection, the seeds are planted and the situation is ripe for conflict.
Moms, if you can see yourself in this type of situation with your sons, let me offer just some bullet points of advice:
1. Study the masculine psyche. There are lots of books on the subject of boys: "Wild at Heart", "Bringing Up Boys", and "Raising Cain" are perfect resources for helping you to understand the needs and motives of young men. Read them with an open heart and mind.
2. Work to Understand your son: not operate him. It doesn't mean you stop being a parent. Just be a parent that values your son adequate to listen.
3. Remember your main role as a parent is to get ready your son to be an adult that can make his own decisions; not let you make them.
4. Look in the mirror: How much of the friction is due to your own insecurities or need for control?
5. Allow your son to face the consequences of his actions. Don't save him all the time. If you don't allow him the relaxation to make his own mistakes, he can all the time blame you when things go wrong. Let him have adequate rope to hang himself sometimes. He'll learn faster.
6. Be consistent and fair in discipline and setting boundaries and consequences, based upon your son's age.
7. If possible, encourage his father to take a more active role in your son's life. He needs his dad, if possible.
8. Expose your son to salutary male role models: teachers, coaches, youth leaders. Obviously, we want to be meticulous about this but a boy needs examples to follow.
9. Work on your capability to "let go".
10. Be loving and graceful when he fails. Try to resist the urge to say, "I told you so".
Being a mother is not easy. I comprehend that, in spite of my limitations (you know, that I'm a man). However, the truth is that being a young man is not easy either. There are lots of reasons that mothers and sons end up fighting. In fact, there are more reasons that we can cover in this article. However, I just want to remind you that there are even more reasons for mothers and sons to work out these conflicts so that they can remember how much they love each other and how principal each of them are.
share the Facebook Twitter Like Tweet. Can you share But He's Still My Baby! Mother-Son friction during Adolescence.
No comments:
Post a Comment