Six repair Tools for Your Marriage
Rudy and Marjorie were on the verge of divorce. Married 12 years, they had constant verbal battles ending in what therapists call call emotional disengagement-- meaning that they simply ignored each other for days on end.
Six repair Tools for Your Marriage
Emotionally, they were simmering inside and also lonely for each other, but were unable to reach out and characterize these feelings. They were in a "cold war" with both waiting for the other to make the first move to melt the icy atmosphere.
This concentrate suffers a tasteless marital malady--lack of skills to fix emotional damage done to each other. Agreeing to marital research, roughly all couples fight; what often separates the "masters" of marriage from the "disasters" of marriage is the potential to fix the subsequent damage.
Acquiring good fix skills gives the concentrate a way to recover from the mistakes they may have made. These fix skills provide a "fix" for the damage caused in attempting to characterize to each other other in a way that caused emotional hurt to one or both of them.
It is tasteless for partners to make connection mistakes - after all, anyone can have a bad day, be under too much stress or just use poor judgment in dealing with a situation. Rather than emotinally disengaging from each other or staying angry, try to "fix it" if you are the offender.
And if you are the receiver of the damage, your challenge is to find a way to accept your partner's fix attempt-- that is, to see your partner's fix effort as an effort to make things better.
Repair Tool Tool #1--apologize
A uncomplicated sincere and genuine,sincere apology can sometimes do wonders for a relationship, especially if your partner sees you as a someone who never admits they are wrong or at fault.
Say things like: I'm sorry; I apologize;What I did was actually stupid; I don'tknow what got into me.
Repair Tool #2--confide feelings.
Be honest and share the feelings that are underneath the anger such as fear, embarrassment, or insecurity. Your partner may acknowledge to you quite differently if they see those other emotions, instead of just the anger.Confiding what is in your heart and in your mind can make a huge discrepancy in promoting understanding, closeness, and intimacy.
Say things like:I was actually afraid for our daughter when I got so angry;I didn't want to hurt you; I just lost my cool.
Repair Tool #3--acknowledge partner's point of view.
This doesn't mean you have to agree with it; just acknowledging it can decrease tension and conflict because it shows your partner you are at least listening to them. It also demonstrates empathy--the potential to see things from their vantage point instead of only yours.
Say things like: I can see what you mean; I never looked at it that way.
Repair Tool #4--accept some ofthe accountability for the conflict.
Very few conflicts are 100% the fault of either partner. Instead, most conflicts are like a dance with both of you development moves to lead to the problem. Inability to accept any accountability is a sign of defensiveness rather than the openness required for good communication.
Say things like:I shouldn't' have done what I did; I guess we both blew it; I can understand why you reacted to me that way.
Repair Tool #5--find tasteless ground.
Focus on the issue at hand and what you have in tasteless rather than your differences. For instance, you might both agree that raising salutary children is a tasteless goal even though you differ in parenting styles.
Say things like: We seem to both have the same goal here; we don't agree on methods but we both want the same outcome.
Repair Tool #6--commit to heighten behavior.
"I'm sorry" doesn't cut it if you continually repeat the nasty behavior. Backup words with action. Show concrete evidence that you will try to change.
Say things like:I promise to get up a half hour earlier from nowon; I'll call if I'm going to be late; I'll only have two drinks at the party and then stop.
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