He Quit Drinking So Why Don't I Have My Husband Back?

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It's a common, if quiet, complaint heard over lunch, or at breaks in meetings, at the accommodation of industry mixer, or the League of Women Voters retreat. "My husband finally quit drinking, attends Aa, and life is actually calmer, but..." The "buts" are varied, but essentially come down to the fact that while one's spouse is no longer actively drinking miniature else has changed.

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An unfortunate side result of Aa and other 12-Step based programs is that while they may help a man stop drinking, they actually encourage him to maintain, and even expand, his focus on alcohol. So he continues to neglect his family and remain emotionally distant from his wife and she doesn't even get to complain about it because he is "working his program." For her, precious miniature has changed.

"I'm truly glad that he isn't drinking," one said. "I don't miss the late night worrying, the calls for bail or a ride home. I don't miss wondering about our debts, credit rating, or either he's going to get fired. But he's still got his head in a bottle and we don't even fight anymore. There seems to be so much less of him now than when he was drinking, even. I probably sound selfish and ungrateful, but I miss him."

It's a coarse and heart-breaking story. Other failure of the American ideas of alcohol medicine - a ideas that even when it works merely substitutes one form of alcohol obsession for another.

Looked at logically it's easy to see what happens. Instead of avoiding problems by hanging out at bars with drinking buddies, your husband now spends it at 12-Step Meetings with, well, drinking buddies. Instead of confiding to his bartender, now he shares his innermost thoughts with his "Sponsor." Where he used to excuse any behavior with "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing," now it's "I'm working my program."

Not worrying about either or not he's going to make it home becomes small payment for still not having a husband in any meaningful sense. But you dare not complain lest you send him back to actively drinking again. He's still captive to alcohol and you're still being blackmailed into retention quiet about it.

Not exactly major strengthen if you want a real relationship.

The implied, but no less real, threats aren't subtle. "Don't complain or you'll be responsible for him relapsing." That's nonsense but it's hard to ignore when every person from Dear Abby to the priest is saying it. They also tell you to be grateful and that it's "the only way." Of policy that's idiocy too.

There are a few voices of fancy but they are usually drowned out by the cacophony of 12-Step honking. Here are a few thoughts to think as you continue to be neglected, diminished, or shut out, by yet Other interrogate of "The Program."

Your husband's alcohol abuse, active or passive, is his qoute and responsibility. You didn't cause it, you can't fix it, nor will you reignite it. All of those choices were, and remain, his.

If he prefers his association with alcohol to one with you, well, okay, but he doesn't get to complain when you rule you'd prefer one with someone else - someone capable of real intimacy with you, not with a bottle or a program.

If he actually wants to kick the 12-Step Habit and leave alcohol behind, and keep you, it is actually potential and probably a lot more fun than sitting in drafty smoke filled basements drinking bad coffee.

You might want to start by taking equal time. For every meeting he attends, you go to a class, a workout, a bar, whatever appeals. If he objects, note that you are only "working your program." Please create one more inspiring than his. God knows you've earned it.

You are understandably dissatisfied and that isn't going to change until you do something about it yourself. Maybe it's selfish to want a faultless life instead of one spent sharing him with his obsession but, if that is his choice, so be it. Don't continue to be intimidated by 12-Step nonsense. You have a right to a faultless life either he wants one or not.

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